Handling Rejection Like A Pro

Dear Dr. Hack,

I've written two novels. My first earned me a bunch of rejections, but I didn't let it get me down. I shuffled it off to the closet, then started work on my second. My latest piece of work is probably the best thing I've ever written, but it's not having any better luck than the first.

I'm getting pissed off and discouraged. I've been through at least 20 agents already. What should I do? How do I keep on keepin' on despite all these coked out assholes who won't give my novels the time of day just because I've never been published before?

--Struggling


Dear Struggling,

Am I the only one who's tired of reading the same old passel of Shiny Happy People troll away on writing websites about what an edifying experience rejection is?

Who are these people? Do they hammer nails through their hands for fun when they're not busy getting the crap kicked out of their ego?

What I'm supposed to say at this point sounds something like:

"Keep at it, buddy. It'll pay off in the long run. Think about what you can learn from those rejections. How has this experience spurred you on to become a better writer? Think positive. Then go write an article for a second-tier e-zine on how to handle being a lame-ass failure."

Yeah. Fuck that.

Here's a better idea: Get really, stupendously hammered.

Better yet, for the next two weeks straight, as soon as you wake up in the morning, take a few quick shots of your favorite hard liquor. Proceed immediately to the word processor, and begin revising your second novel. Imbibe one shot every hour, on the hour, until finished.

Write like a maniac. Write the next Great American Novel. Write deathless, rambling, sloshed literature. It worked for Faulkner and Hemingway, it just might work for you. It's all about sacrifice. Are you willing to give up that liver for immortality, or are you just another half-assed whiner who isn't willing to put in the hard drinking?

Since we're on the subject, snag some drugs too. Good ones. None of this low-impact bullshit like hydrocodone, marijuana, caffeine, or a jar or two of rubber cement.

I'm talking the heavy hitters. It's a well known fact that Bret Easton Ellis penned Less Than Zero in three weeks while high on crystal-meth. Maybe a little pick-me-up at the end of a smoking hot glass pipe is just what you need to pump some out some robust, irresistible literary genius.

And hey, look at the bright side. Even if all this debauchery doesn't up your percentage of requests for full manuscripts, it'll take the edge off ending up in the crap heap.

Need advice? Sure you do. E-mail Dr. Hack and he'll set you straight.