Shelf Jockey

Dear Dr. Hack,

I'm a recently published debut novelist, and while it's exciting, what can I say. There hasn't been much buzz.

It's not that I'm getting negative reviews. I'm not getting reviewed, period. I feel like I might as well have spent the last three years of my life smoking joints and playing video games.

Any ideas as to how I can get some attention. Anything? Negative or positive?

Thanks.

Pissed Off in Peoria


Dear Pissed,

There are about a million guerrilla marketing methods out there, and guess what? I know them all. For the most part the only materials required are a pair of brass balls, and an unquenchable thirst for the limelight. Also some stamps, paper, copies of your novel, and envelopes. Nothing extravagant.

So, to business:

DR. HACK'S MASTER MARKETING SERIES--METHOD 1:

Since your book has already been published, I'm guessing you know your audience. Now, all you have to do is piss off everyone else.

The best way to get your name in front of the people who will eventually read your book is to enrage everyone who will NEVER read your book, and you're in luck.

Somewhere out there a major group, coalition, or parental organization exists that is the antithesis of your entire novel. I promise.

Since you didn't tell me anything about your story, let's go for a softball and pretend it's a thinly veiled, scathing indictment of religion, focusing on an antagonist who's a pedophile Catholic priest.

Let's call your novel, "The Toucher," for posterity.

Since we already know a statistically significant portion of the population thinks Catholics are retarded and boring, all you have to do now is find a way to let these people know you exist.

The problem is: most people don't really loathe Catholics like you. They just entertain a mild disdain. So you have to give them a REALLY GOOD reason to pick up your book.

What better way than by shoving an intellectual pipe bomb up the Catholic Church's ass?

That's right, Pissed. I want you to sit down and write a general letter:

"Dear Bishop [x], My novel, 'The Toucher: The miracle of God's guiding hand,' is a story of grace, redemption, and hope focusing on the message of Jesus's life. My enclosed novel explores the way God touches us all at certain times, gently shaping our lives, blah blah blah."

Get the point?

Sure, your novel is about an evil institution that brainwashes people in droves while sexually abusing children, but they don't know that. The goal here is to get the muckety mucks to the point that they lose all reason.

Once you've set their expectations with this blatant lie (last time I checked, hey, not a crime), your novel will be a backboard shattering, anger instilling slam dunk.

This method works because people are stupid, and they never see it coming. By the time mister big shot figures out what you've done, he'll be 200 pages in. When he finishes, he'll be so raring mad he'll pow-wow with his fellow pederasts, then issue scathing press releases from the highest levels of the church condemning your book, and yourself, to Hell.

Guess what? You've just manipulated history's greatest PR machine into ponying up free publicity.

Send the letter and a copy of your novel out to every Bishop, Arch-Bishop, and Cardinal in the English speaking world. For good measure, send one to the Pope. When your book hits number one on the Catholic Church's shit list, you'll be laughing all the way to the bank, topping the New York Times Bestseller list.

See how easy it is? So get to it, Pissed. Find that group or coalition. Proceed to anger. Good luck, and happy sales.

Need advice? Sure you do. E-mail Dr. Hack and he'll set you straight.