Here Come The Assholes

Dr. Hack,

I find your blog irresponsible and specious. Who are you to tear down the efforts of hard working writers like Mitch Albom?

Your advice is terrible. Many new writers out there are looking for reliable sources to turn to on the long road to publication, and one of them might stumble on your blog and take something to heart.

We're all in this together, and it wouldn't hurt if you were more positive and encouraging, instead of simply attacking the accomplishments of others. What have YOU ever done? My guess is nothing.

--Random Angry Person


Dear Random Angry Person,

Here's a dose of honesty: I'm no one.

I've never had a book published. My fiction is cut rate, at best. I've never won prestigious awards or accolades, and pretty much anyone who's anybody doesn't know me from a fruit fly. I'm a shriveled, pathetic little loner who sits in a basement all day slapping words together harder than a New York street pimp handles hookers, and I probably won't ever be any great success.

Some more god's honest truth: I don't really hate Mitch Albom. If I dig down far enough into the howling void that exists between my Id and Super Ego, I respect his accomplishment. While I don't personally like what he writes, he connects to a large number of readers, and I appreciate that feat.

You're right. My advice does suck. It's also hilarious, if you're a morally bankrupt sociopath. Obviously you aren't, but hey, there's something for everyone. Go become a Rainbow Person and hand out pamphlets about the beautiful inner light that guides us all on a street corner somewhere if you want to make a difference.

Save yourself the effort of questioning my motives or trying to reform me away from my, admittedly, dubious mission. It won't work.

I diss Mitch Albom because it's fun. It's good for a cheap laugh, like hijacking a plane or putting a flaming paper bag full of dog shit on Old Man Crotchety's lawn. You don't have to enjoy it. I do. That's all that matters.

And guess what? The Internet is a big place. You never have to come back.

My advice: Don't worry your precious little head about new writers who stumble on my page and take my advice. If they're stupid enough to act on half the crap I spew, good. I saved a lot of other hard working, fairly intelligent scribes the worry of competition.

Need advice? Sure you do. E-mail Dr. Hack and he'll set you straight.