/rant/

(A commercial currently on T.V.)

ANNOUNCER: [Pointless glorifying on the great cultural import of Bob Barker, who is standing in front of an iconic "The Price Is Right," logo.

CUT TO

Bob Barker, "The Price Is Right," logo undulating softly against the glazed donut haze of the ever present piss yellow curtain in the background.

BOB BARKER: Thanks Lisa. After all!

Bob Barker does a dumbfuck armspread and smiles like he's sucking the petrified 2,000-year-old shit out of King Tut's colon.

BOB BARKER: How many people can say their lives are all fun and games?!

CUT TO

Me, sitting in front of the T.V., screaming.

ME: NONE OF US, YOU ASSHOLE. LIFE IS STRUGGLE AND PAIN AND A LOT OF FUCKING WORK. THAT'S WHY YOU'RE A PRICK, BOB BARKER. BECAUSE YOU MAKE STUPID, BANAL COMMENTS UNDERSCORING HOW MUCH OF A SHILL YOU ARE FOR THE STATUS QUO WITHOUT ANY THOUGHT TO THINGS OF RELEVANCE IN THE WORLD ABOUT US. YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER MINDLESS COG IN THE AMERICAN MEDIA MACHINE, MAKING US FEEL MEDICATED AND SEDATED IN OUR COTTON CANDY FANTASY LAND, GOBBLING UP STUPID FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY FUNNEL CAKE WITH EXTRA POWDERED SUGAR, PLEASE, AT A STATE FAIR.

LIFE IS NOT OKAY. LIFE IS NOT FUN. QUIT TELLING ME I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME WATCHING YOUR SHOW. THE THIRTY YEARS YOU SPENT WORKING ON IT WERE A TRAVESTY. "THE PRICE IS RIGHT," IS THE MOST GOD AWFUL THING TO HAPPEN TO PROGRESS AND INTELLECTUAL ACTIVISM SINCE THE CHRISTIAN RELIGION WAS SQUIRTED OUT OF A GOAT'S ASS IN MACEDONIA.

DUMBASS.

Need advice? Sure you do. E-mail Dr. Hack and he'll set you straight.