Publicity whores

Dear Dr. Hack,

I'm a first-time novelist who just landed an agent. I'm very excited, but there's this issue of my platform. The agent wants me to work on starting a blog and building an audience, even if it's a small one, before my book hits the shelves (she warned me selling the novel could be a long process, and that I'd have plenty of time to build a blog audience).

But I don't know. It seems like there are so many blogs out there. If you look at most of these authors, no one even comments on their sites, it's really depressing. This doesn't seem like the best way to go. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks.

--Pubhungry


Dear Pubhungry,

You're in luck. I do have a better way. That's right, it's time for:

DR. HACK'S MASTER MARKETING SERIES--METHOD 2:

Get arrested. No no, hear me out. I know what you're thinking, so I have one simple question. How bad do you want it?

Want it bad enough? Then you're only one major felony away from fame, fortune, and glory.

Now, of course, just getting arrested won't cut it. If you're pulled over driving down the highway and Ye Olde Officer finds a dime bag of pot or an open container riding shotgun, you'll just be shooting yourself in the foot.

These kind of every day misdemeanors are an occupational hazard for the would-be novelist. So you need to do something really jaw dropping. I wouldn't recommend any wanton violence; running into a convenience store and shooting the clerk probably won't cut it. You'll get your name in the local paper, maybe a small AP piece, at best.

Sitting in a belltower somewhere and picking off civilians might do the trick, but you really don't want to go to prison for life. It'll negate all the enjoyable parts of that fame and fortune.

So, what you need is something unique that has broad commercial appeal. Something the big TV networks will run with for at least a full news cycle.

In this category you have plenty of fun and entertaining options. You could:

A) Fly to Washington DC. Make your way to 1600 Pennsylvania, strip naked in front of the White House, hop the fence, and streak across the front lawn wearing only a sandwich board that says, "READ MY NEW NOVEL," until a gaggle of Secret Service grunts more pissed off than a swarm of hornets pour out of the woodwork and tackle you to the ground.

B) Walk into a major broadcast studio with two ten-round magazines and a gas cooled Armalite AR-10 (T), hold up the producers, then promote your book at gunpoint on the Today Show until the cavalry shows up. (Make sure you don't kill anyone.)

C) Hijack the Goodyear Blimp and drop pamphlets all over a major metropolitan area that say, "Cast off the yolk of your Imperialist oppressors! Rise up, Workers! Unite!" with a brief plug for your book at the end. Since the Goodyear Blimp is a major American icon, the military won't blow it out of the sky with a couple squadrons of F-14s while the whole world is watching.

See how this works, Pubhungry? Sure, you'll probably end up in the slammer for awhile, but this is the ticket.

If you've got the guts, by the time you get out of the joint, you'll not only be a worldwide celebrity, your book will have sold millions. Not to mention a lucrative non-fiction book deal, and a river of money flowing in from Hollywood execs who want to option the rights to your story for a daytime movie special.

Now get to it. The sooner you get locked up, the sooner you get out.

Need advice? Sure you do. E-mail Dr. Hack and he'll set you straight.