Moral Quandry

Dear Dr. Hack,

I see this question going around quite a bit on agent's blogs. Unpublished writers, like me, want to know what to do without publishing credits. Most of these agents and editors tell everyone that making up credits, even small ones, is a bad idea. To me though, reading these agents, since they're all pretty unanimously against it, I'm thinking this is a conspiracy. I think agents just want you to not make up credits, so when you send your query letter in stating no previous experience, they know to toss it right away. Can you help me out here?

--Scurrilous554


Dear Scurrilous,

I have some good news. As an unpublished novelist, making up publishing credits is ALWAYS a good idea. Not so much if you're a non-fiction writer, but if you write fiction, and I highly suspect you do, making up a modest list of credits is one of the best things you can do to jump start your career.

First, yes. Agents tell you not to include a list of credits because they hate newbies, and not having any publishing credits practically screams, "greenhorn, know-nothing asshole who won't make me any money even if he CAN write," and they won't even bother requesting a full.

This is one of those big "in jokes," that agents perpetuate on their journals, just to screw with everyone and keep the old guard publishing world firmly entrenched.

The reason it's a smart move to make up publishing credits is pretty simple: you're a fiction writer, you make stuff up for a living, right? What's a little white lie or two to get your foot in the door?

After you've managed to get an agent to read your full, then just go ahead and tell them you made up the pub credits. They'll be impressed at your go-getter attitude and savvy ability to bend the truth to suit your needs.

Now, we do live in the age of Google, so it's not just a simple matter of manufacturing some made up awards or magazines no one's ever heard about. Deciding HOW to lie is almost as important as deciding TO lie, and flawless execution is required so you don't raise suspicion.

Here's where you really crank it up. What you need to do is find someone who's published a few pieces here and there on various e-zines. Low-rent stuff for the most part, but if you can find someone who's been in, say, Identity Theory, one or two times, you won't be hurting yourself.

Then, open up your manuscript. Highlight the part that says, "By Scurrilous Writer," and write, "By [guy who actually has the pub credits]."

This next part is important, so pay attention: do not copy the exact spelling of their name on your manuscript. Change one or two letters that could pass as legitimate typos.

Then, on your query letter, DO copy the name exactly.

Here's a little vignette to show you why and how this works:

Agent receives your query letter. Query letter is well written (better be, I can't help you here), and a list of modest publishing credits piques interest. Agent goes to Google, types in the name you've provided in the header verbatim. Bing. A couple short stories pop up, which they probably don't read, they were just checking. They then turn to your enclosed sample pages which has your fabricated name with the intentional typo, which you will be claiming henceforth to be the correct spelling of your name. They dig the sample pages. On the strength of your query, credits, and writing, they ask for a full. Agent never notices discrepancy between spellings. [end vignette]

And that's all there is to it. Welcome to easy street. Go get 'em.

Need advice? Sure you do. E-mail Dr. Hack and he'll set you straight.