Writing Software

Dear Dr. Hack,

Yesterday you mentioned anyone can "toss off," gripping literature these days due to advances in novel writing software.

I've never used these programs, but as a writer who's completed 10 manuscripts but never been published, I'm beginning to think the problem isn't the publishing industry.

My question is, if I haven't been published after all the work I've put into writing, how is a stinking piece of novel writing software going to help?

Regards,

Slogging Away in Staunton


Dear Slogging,

Anyone who tells you there's no such thing as a quick fix in writing is blowing smoke up your ass. I'm no literary genius, but after using some of these new novel writing programs, my manuscripts came out looking more snazzy than a Manhattan call girl.

First, let's take a look at what's on the market.

After reading through gushing testimonials and doing a quick Google search, "Writer's Block 3," really stood out. I couldn't help getting jazzed when the main page proclaimed, "Writer's Block 3: The Easiest Way To Write."

Since I'm not here to evaluate slogans though, I downloaded a trial version, and all I can say is:

Wow. This program's got your back.

Let me tell you what. Writing hasn't been this easy since I got my grubby eight-year-old fingers on a box full of Crayola Chartreuse Sunrise and wrote my first novella on construction paper about a young mongoose named Rikki-Tikki-Tavi.

In other words, unless you're plagiarizing, this is the way to go.

I'll tell you why. When I got stuck with my main character Lithitania, who couldn't decide if she should commit an inter-species sex act with an evil dragon in order to save her kingdom from certain destruction due to a Christian purity vow she'd taken at the age of fourteen, the program ran a quick "deep action analysis," which told me how she'd react based on her previous behavior.

In fact, the program started out by informing me I should have a main character named Lithitania, after I told the Novel Wizard prompt that I wanted to write fantasy.

It then proceeded to give me a randomly generated backstory, and even drew a map of my world and gave it a name!

Honestly, I haven't had such a good time writing bodice ripping inter-species fantasy epics in a long, long time.

Not only do programs like this give you helpful writing prompts, they rewrite your sentences as you go in order to give the novel a more "commercial," appeal. Paragraphs are automatically reconfigured for maximum readability, and when you finish, "Writer's Block 3," doesn't even ask for a co-authorship credit.

Now how cool is that?

If you're harboring any reservations, I'd just go ahead and give it a whirl. Take one of those unpublished novels, plunk the text into a Block 3 document, and watch it go to work. First with a chainsaw, then an excavator's mohair brush.

Best of luck, Staunton. My guess is, if you take the good doctor's advice, you'll be published in no time.

Have writing questions? Sure you do. E-mail ">Dr. Hack.