Hacktastic Suckage
Because there aren't enough brutally honest assholes in the world, the Dr. Hack team has made an executive decision to implement a new feature called, Hacktastic Suckage.
Q.
What is Hacktastic Suckage?
A.
Hacktastic Suckage is where Dr. Hack reviews a sample of your fiction writing on his blog, and tells you why it's awful.
Q.
This doesn't sound like very much fun. Who in their right mind is going to send you samples of their writing hoping to see it eviscerated?
A.
You are.
Q.
What are the submission guidelines?
A.
Send me a sample of your fiction, 500 words or less. If it sucks worse than a group of Greecian farm women working on a couple goats in the countryside for a low-fi porno, Dr. Hack won't blow any smoke up your ass. If it's good, he'll tell you why. If it's good in parts and bad in others, he'll praise you and tear you down in alternating strokes, because he's a little bi-polar like that.
Disclaimer: Dr. Hack's taste is totally subjective, and he hates bad writing. That means pretty much anything that he didn't write is awful.
Q.
Oh yeah? Well this is a new feature, so what are you going to do until people start sending you their writing?
A.
Sift through the web and co-opt samples from pieces of published fiction on excerpt pages, fan fiction sites, writers collectives, and other blogs.
Q.
This all sounds pretty immature, and anyway, I heard some of your comments were deleted on the Evil Editor blog because you were being an asshole.
A.
This is true. They were. However, I'd like to state here that I dig Evil Editor. Whatever he does on his blog is his prerogative. Far be it for me to complain or whine about it. He has a cool thing going on, and I'm just trying to steal some of his thunder. This is what investors refer to as competition in the free market place of ideas, which is good for everyone.
Q.
Why can't you just be constructive and helpful?
A.
Because it's not as fun.
Also, simply because the feedback will be negative for the most part doesn't mean it's not constructive. Looking deep into his empty little existential soul, Dr. Hack asks, what is constructive?
In these dark days of rampant political correctness and you-felch-me I'll-felch-you compliments, it seems to mean everyone forms a huge circle jerk and kicks off an insipid love fest full of comments like, "Oh, this is great. Really great. You're such a good writer," when in fact they really aren't. Likewise, many times people feel they have to say something nice such as, "I don't usually read this kind of stuff, and you need to lop off a couple paragraphs at the beginning, but this was actually pretty good," when in fact, it's actually full of Hacktastic Suckage, and if they just had a pair, they'd come right out and say it.
Dr. Hack says screw the kid gloves.
Returning to the question, "What is constructive?" he says anything that helps you grow as a writer, including hearing, "You suck," over and over and over again, is constructive.
It's all how you take the feedback--with a little grain of salt, if you're smart. Here's to developing some thick-ass skin.
Q.
Are we done yet, you boring, pontificating bastard?
A.
Yes. Now send me your writing samples, and brace yourself. It's going to get more bloody than a turkey farm a month before Thanksgiving around here.
Have writing questions, or need your confidence deflated? Sure you do. Send an e-mail to Dr. Hack and he'll rake you over the coals. For free.
Need advice? Sure you do. E-mail Dr. Hack and he'll set you straight.
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